Moving Advice, List No. 1: Remain Calm and Panic Simultaneously

As I prepare to move for the 19th time in my life, I have discovered some things about the process which will be instructive, should you ever find yourself having to move as well.  The following is a list of helpful hints about the initial stages of the moving process; things you will need to do in advance of packing day, or P-Day.  This is gonna teach, so pay attention.

1. Cry, you are moving and this sucks.

2. Drink.

3. Tell every person you know, every time you see them, you’re moving, nothing feels better than ridiculous amounts of unwarranted sympathy from everyone around you.

4. Pray that God may have pity on you and strike you dead, or make you independently wealthy by striking dead an elderly relative who leaves you a killer inheritance.  Don’t judge me.

5. Go through your house and curse all the crap you’ve accumlutated throughout the years.

6. Manically throw stuff away in a fit of rage.

7. Yell at your kids.

8. While in a puddle of tears, apologize to your kids for yelling.

9. Buy your kids ice cream because you’re a jerk and money will solve this problem.

10. Go through your house taking note of all the things you’ve let go to crap over the years, loose door hinges, ripped screens, burned floor boards, closet doors you completely forgot fell off two years ago, etc.

11.  Kick yourself for saying stupid BLEEP like, “I’ll fix this when we move,” because you’re an idiot.

12. Drink.

13. Decide you’ve had too much and put everything off until the week before the packers come.

14. Cry, because you put everything off until the week before the packers come.

15. Remember all the things you forgot you had to do. Such as, informing the school your kids won’t be there next year, two days before schools out.  They love it.  All of your medical and dental records.  Go get those because they’re kind of important.

16.  Decide that you’re going to push through this because there is no alternative.

17. Cry, because there is no alternative.

18. Get up and push through again.

19. Start packing stuff up like a mad person because you think it will somehow make things less awful on P-Day. It won’t, by the way.

20. Take comfort in knowing that as bad as things are right now, they are going to get much worse.

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