Pied Patter

Alien vs President

piedpatter — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 22:30:24 +0000

So debates are nice and they show us a lot of important issue candidate stuff, but everything I need to know about who I want for president can be determined by answering one simple question. How would you kill the alien? Ridley Scotts alien, not the socialist collective hive minded organized cooperative James Cameron wussy alien, or that french directors film noire introspective intellectual thinking man’s alien, or whatever the hell that fourth mutated living nightmare was… No I’m talking about the “perfect organism” alien, that nobody could see and scared the snot out of everyone for decades to come. And what has this got to do with elections? EVERYTHING. How someone decides to kill the alien tells me all I need to know about how they will handle less import things like the economy or Iran. I’ve given it some thought and have come up with what I think are the answers. Having watched 15 minutes of the debates and read a Ron Paul bumper sticker I feel fully confident in making sweeping assumptions about how each candidate would respond.

Obama would campaign on a promise to end all conflicts with the alien and then get us in a war with the predator once he was president.

Romney would deflect attention away from his controversial xenomorphcare by suggesting the U.S. deal directly with the alien problem then magically overnight become the worlds biggest advocate for xeno death now that he’s no longer trying to get the alien-loving Massachussans to re-elect him. All the while pointing out that his Mormonism doesn’t have any impact on his ability to kill aliens.

Perry would make no apologies for subsidizing alien education and then lay out a way too simple plan to kill the alien while reconfirming his commitment to rejecting the idea he thinks Romney’s mormonism makes for bad alien killing.

Paul would let the alien have nuclear weapons and only defend the US against the alien after the face hugger has attached to his face.

Gingrich would humiliate the alien in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate and then blow it all to pieces.

Cain would probably blow the alien all to pieces as well, but we don’t know that because he so fumbled the answer people aren’t sure if the pro-alien allegations levied against him are true.

Huntsman in some sort of nebulous act of solidarity with New Hampshire would not answer the alien question.

Bachman would have a very strong anti-alien position, siting her strong record of being strong against aliens, and then end up like Lambert.

Santorum would have some good ideas about how to kill the alien but seriously he’s the first crew man to go.

So you can see by my most solicitous analysis Gingrich is the guy most likely to actually kill the alien, which is why the GOP will likely end up with Romney. Which means we may or may not all end up being hosts for aliens. Yeah I thought this blog post would end happier too.

If I Can’t Buy a Puppy, Then What Can I Do When I’m Drunk?

piedpatter — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 17:17:39 +0000

I read this headline Drunk puppy buying banned at West Village pet stores and thought, “Why would someone get puppies drunk? Are they cuter? Do the Terriers mellow out and sell better? Why do that? Then I bothered to read the article. As it turns out the puppies are not, in fact, drunk. So crisis averted there. However, the people buying the puppies are, which is why at least two pet stores in the Village have banned selling puppies to people suspected of being under the influence. In the store owners defense, one lady brought a half dead Chihuahua back the next day with a stomach full of pills. I get it. Buying a dog while wasted is not a good plan. But it got me thinking, if I can’t buy a pet when I’m bombed what can I do? Are we really a nation of NO? I like to think not, so I have compiled a list of things people can do while drunk.

1. Express your inner artist all over your friends

2. Blend in with the homeless

3. Demonstrate proper way to put on a sandal

4. Fall out of a tree and make some new friends

5. Pretend to be British. And if you are British, pretend to be Australian, but it doesn’t really matter because we probably already thought you were. You all sound the same.

6. Text your friends stuff like this gem: everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend

7. Call your grandmother and tell her it was you and not the kid next door who’s been stealing money from her change purse. Jerk.

8. Pass out on a carnival ride. 78% chance you will be mistaken for a Carney and given a paycheck.

9. Sit on a corner with a cup. People will fill it, sometimes with money.

10. Call an ex. They will love you for it.

11. Save your buddies from the fatal wounds of a firecracker by hurling your body on top of it.

12. Drink more.

13. Speak French.

14. Vomit.

15. Pass out on your apartment lawn with a stray cat on top of you to keep you warm.

16. Search for your less drunk friends who abandoned your obnoxious self.

17. Take a cab to someone else’s house because you forgot where you lived.

18. Register for classes. It’s super fun the next day when you’re sober.

19. Call your boss.

20. Go to an all you can eat Chinese Buffet and only eat egg rolls.

21. Find a foreigner and lie about visiting their country.

22. Throw pennies at pigeons until they crap on you. And they will.

23. Give your shoes to a complete stranger.. who didn’t ask for them.

24. Start a flash mob of one. Crowds will gather to watch you.

25. Sing American Pie to a stop sign.

26. Lie about going to Harvard and how much it sucked. Damn trust fund babies.

27. Try explaining String Theory. Who knows, it might make more sense.

28. Pay your roommates bills.

29. Feel guilty about being a gross slob and start exercising.

30. Try to shave a cat. You won’t get far.

31. Get a haircut.

32. Argue with an ATM and make your point by throwing the money back in it’s face.

33. Walk into a wall.

34. Find Waldo.

35. Tell people what you really think. Like the Airing of Grievances in Festivus.

36. In a moment of clarity, decide to be a better person. Ha!

37. Get into an argument with a Jehovah’s Witness.

38. Try to open a jar of pickles with a hammer.

39. Change a lightbulb using a hot dog bun.

40. Wax your eyebrows completely off.

41. Dye your hair, but only half.

42. Answer your closet door.

The list goes on. Fear not America, while you may not be able to buy puppies, there is still quite a bit you can do while drunk. Bottoms up!

Terrorist Bunnies

piedpatter — Wed, 04 May 2011 16:27:53 +0000

As if Bin Laden wasn’t disturbing enough, now we find out he was giving away bunnies. A local neighbor boy, Zarar Ahmed, recently reported he’d visited the Bin Laden family at their home and was given two bunnies for his birthday. Zarar expressed a lot of disappointment about the gift, “Worst. Gift. Ever. I asked for Call of Duty 4.” On a related note, the boy was very surprised when the bunnies blew up in his backyard the next day.

Jack Donaghy Talks to Congress, or so I thought.

piedpatter — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 15:39:18 +0000

My morning news troll uncovered an article about what I thought was Jack Donaghy’s recent Hill visit to share his views on why Obama is such a miserable failure. FINALLY, Kabletown’s voice of reason has come back to DC to tell congress what’s what! Only to find out it was just Alec Baldwin coming to plead Obama’s dumb stupid case before congress. Total disappointment. I guess Clinton wasn’t available. Anyway this irked me, irked me greatly. Nobody cares about what Alec Baldwin thinks. We care what Jack Donaghy thinks. Jack is smart, witty, cunning, charming, handsome, successful and an all around great guy. Alec Baldwin is only two of those things also he didn’t say anything super smart or wisdomy. Which is probably why congress was so inspired. He was speaking their language. The really sad thing about all this is in a battle of anything, Jack Donaghy would have Baldwin for a mid-morning snack. I mean just read what Baldwin said…

“…this is just my opinion, when you want to put your mark on things, you want to be able to spend. And what’s crippled Obama’s administration, as far as I’m concerned, is the financial crisis and it’s prevented him from doing any new spending,” said Baldwin, who publicly supported Obama in the 2008 Presidential election.

Well DUH! Also new spending is a stupid idea unless it’s for better ways to kill terrorists.

Donaghy would never have said that because he is awesome. Let’s do a little comparison shall we? Awesome Jack Donaghy-isms v. Baldwin.

Donaghy:

“Yes my daughter is Canadien-American, but I’m going to treat her just like a human baby.”

“Who thinks that gesturing with one’s thumbs is for poor people, and is going to be the next CEO of Kabletown? This guy!”

“It was our highest rating since that episode of SVU when the detectives watched American Idol.”

“I can get you into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny, and then you eat the bunny.”

“Those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter.”

“In my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon’s death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.”

“Everybody settles. At one point my obituary was going to read “CEO Of GE Dies Violently In Casino Orgy.” Now what’s it going to say, “Middle Manager Of A Philadelphia Porn Distributor Never Wakes Up?”

“What keeps people polite on airplanes? A shared hatred for the CBS sitcoms they’re forced to watch.”

“Our health costs are down because we started putting something in the coffee to stop the women from getting pregnant.”

Baldwin:

“Cheney is a terrorist. He terrorizes our enemies abroad and innocent citizens here at home indiscriminately”

“Down with Dukes of Hazzard!”

“Actors are treated like suppositories that are inserted into cavities of the movie-going public.”

“I’ve got my groove back!”

Absolutely disregarding the fact that I cherry picked the worst quotes, he’s lousy. Awful. These quotes stink. There should be a bill before congress legislating that Alec Baldwin only be allowed to speak in a public forum if he does it as Jack Donaghy.

Awesome Idea…

piedpatter — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 13:43:06 +0000

The other day while I was organizing my thoughts, flicking food off my shirt and singing show tunes I was suddenly interrupted when the car in front of me stopped out of no where. So annoying. But it got me thinking. If I had hit this Honda car, it would have crumpled like a something that crumples real easy. It’s made to just give up and die in a car wreck. Honda calls it’s cars crumpliness energy absorption. I’m sure it’s saved lives so I won’t argue it. However, it’s “energy absorption” would cost me a lot of money to fix. And since I have better things to do while I’m driving than watch the road, I came up with a plan. Cars should be made out of memory foam. Let it sink in. Memory foam is light weight, comfortable, you will never again spill your wine while driving, and you can hit all the cars you want without a scratch or injury. Never again will you have to pay that much attention to driving. Hit a deer, no problem, wait a few minutes and the deer shaped indentation will pop right out. Neighborhood kids literally bounce off. They’ll line up to get hit by your car. It’s space age technology designed by aliens, stolen by NASA and made to be super absorptive (10 points for super made up word). There are almost no downsides to this idea except you can’t drive over 10 mph, car washes are tricky, and it will cause sleepiness.

3 Mile Island Vigil

piedpatter — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 16:07:27 +0000

To mark the solemn occasion of the 32 years since the 3 Mile Island nuclear power plant didn’t kill anyone, 30 or so people gathered to hold up signs to remind all of us that nuclear energy is really bad. So to try and better understand why people hate nuclear energy so much, I have recreated an exchange between a vigil person and a reasonable human being.

Reasonable human being: Why are you holding a vigil?

Vigil person: Because we want people to never forget nuclear energy kills and destroys everything.

Reasonable human being: So how many people have died because of the 3 Mile Island thingy?

Vigil person: YOU’RE A RACIST PUPPY HATER!!!!!!

I for one am happy to have the vigilators out there holding their signs that remind us no one has ever died as a result of 3 Mile Islands partial meltdown. Keep up the good work vigil people!

Rabbit Trail…

piedpatter — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 15:52:03 +0000

When a socialist dictator starts telling you to watch your calorie intake… good bet he’s gonna be starving you in the near future.

Winner Dogs and Military Operations

piedpatter — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 16:39:29 +0000

Military operation names remind me a lot of championship dog names. I don’t know how they come up with either but I’m pretty sure you could just as easily say Grand Champion Odyssey Dawn and Operation Foxcliffe Hickory Wind and no one would know the difference. Here’s a fun game, which one’s a military operation and which one’s a dog?

1. El Dorado Canyon

2. Clussexx Last Lion

3. Twenty Twenty

4. Asparagus

5. Spontaneous Combustion

6. Fusaichi Pegasus

7. Nimble Archer

8. Torquay Midnight Confession

9. Clearlake Hot Rod

10. Lucky Alphonse

11. Vibe Energy

Answers:

1. operation 2. dog 3. dog 4. operation 5. operation 6. horse 7. operation 8. dog 9. dog 10. operation 11. gum

Cricket and Why I Don’t Care…

piedpatter — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 17:38:40 +0000

This story popped on my twitter feed about three Pakistani Cricket players who got in trouble for “spot fixing.” I don’t know either. So I’m reading the article and I keep asking myself “why don’t I care more about this?” The answer is incredibly simple. Cricket is a game so overly complicated the only people I could find to explain it were the Computer Science Dept. at Purdue University, leading me to believe it must be:

a) fake and a vast conspiracy against the US, or

b) not fake and a vast conspiracy against the US

Just look at the terminology, it makes no sense! There is no logical reason why the area where the guy with the long wooden paddle thingy stands should be called a Crease? Martians understand home plate, field goals, and “he shoots he scores!” But I defy you to explain Cricket to an alien. They’d probably mercy kill you just to stop the hurting.

Cricket Terminology: leg-cutter, off-spinner, wrong ‘un, left-handed wrong ‘un is called a Chinaman, googly, I’m not making this up.., flipper, nightwatchman, golden duck, rabbit, ferret, gully, Leg Byes, deep backward square leg, to name a few.

Add to those terms a British or Australian accent and it’s pretty clear they’re making fun of us.

Also, Americans as general rule don’t bother with field sports that take three weeks to win.

Anyhow, to prove that Cricket is a conspiracy against the U.S., I used sciencismology and recorded my experiences while trying to learn the rules of the game.

Hour 1: Screamed at computer and threw plant

Hour 2: Went John Nash Jr. and found hidden code to unshrinking Shrinkydinks.

Hour 2:15: Swallowed razor

Conclusion, it’s fake and a vast conspiracy levied at the US, by the British and her ilk as punishment probably for the Revolutionary War thing and generally being the “fun Uncle” version of them.

Now, try to read “The Play” as explained by Purdue’s Computer Science Department, without swallowing your tongue.

The Play

“The order in which the teams bat is determined by a coin toss. The captain of the side winning the toss may elect to bat or field first.

All eleven players of the fielding team go out to field, two players of the batting team go out to bat. The remainder of the batting team wait off the field for their turn to bat. Each batsman wears protective gear and carries a cricket bat.

The game progresses by the bowling of balls. The sequence of events which constitutes a ball follows:

The fielding team disperses around the field, to positions designed to stop runs being scored or to get batsmen out. One fielder is the bowler. He takes the ball and stands some distance behind one of the wickets (i.e., away from the pitch). Another fielder is the wicket-keeper, who wears a pair of webbed gloves designed for catching the ball and protective pads covering the shins. He squats behind the opposite wicket. The rest of the fielders have no special equipment – gloves to assist catching the ball are not allowed to anyone but the wicket-keeper.

One batsman stands behind each popping crease, near a wicket. The batsman farthest from the bowler is the striker, the other is the non-striker. The striker stands before his wicket, on or near the popping crease, in the batting stance. For a right-handed batsman, the feet are positioned like this:

The batsman stands with his bat held down in front of the wicket, ready to hit the ball, which will be bowled from the other end of the pitch. The batsman usually rests the lower end of the bat on the pitch and then taps the bat on the pitch a few times as “warm-up” backswings.

The non-striker simply stands behind the other popping crease, waiting to run if necessary. The bowler takes a run-up from behind the non-striker’s wicket. He passes to one side of the wicket, and when he reaches the non-striker’s popping crease he bowls the ball towards the striker, usually bouncing the ball once on the pitch before it reaches the striker. (The bowling action will be described in detail later.)

The striker may then attempt to hit the ball with his bat. If he misses it, the wicket-keeper will catch it and the ball is completed. If he hits it, the two batsmen may score runs (described later). When the runs are completed, the ball is also considered completed. The ball is considered to be in play from the moment the bowler begins his run-up. It remains in play until any of several conditions occur (two common ones were just described), after which it is called dead. The ball is also dead if it lodges in the striker’s clothing or equipment. Once the ball is dead, it is returned to the bowler for the next delivery (another name for the bowling of a ball). Between deliveries, the batsmen may leave their creases and confer with each other.

When one bowler has completed six balls, that constitutes an over. A different member of the fielding team is given the ball and bowls the next over – from the opposite end of the pitch. The batsmen do not change ends, so the roles of striker and non-striker swap after each over. Any member of the fielding team may bowl, so long as no bowler delivers two consecutive overs. Once a bowler begins an over, he must complete it, unless injured or suspended during the over.

Another possibility during a ball is that a batsman may get out. There are ten different methods of being out – these will be described in detail later. If a batsman gets out, the ball is dead immediately, so it is impossible to get the other batsman out during the same ball. The out batsman leaves the field, and the next batsman in the team comes in to bat. The not out batsman remains on the field. The order in which batsmen come in to bat in an innings is not fixed. The batting order may be changed by the team captain at any time, and the order does not have to be the same in each innings.

When ten batsmen are out, no new batsmen remain to come in, and the innings is completed with one batsman remaining not out. The roles of the teams then swap, and the team which fielded first gets to bat through an innings. When both teams have completed the agreed number of innings, the team which has scored the most runs wins.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! It’s like a Scanner got a hold of my brain!!!

Little known facts about Cricket:

1. Joss Whedon came up with the idea for Reavers after watching Cricket

2. Babies born in Cricket playing countries have an extra toe.

3. Mother Theresa hated Cricket.

4. Japan has no national Cricket team and is a half a standard deviation smarter than the rest of the world, you decide.

5. iPhone Cricket apps can’t exist because they break all three laws of Robotics.

6. Chuck Norris doesn’t play Cricket.

7. John Travolta was given a choice, star in a movie about Cricket, or make Battlefield Earth.

8. There use to be an 8th day of the week until Adam made it Cricket day, so God destroyed it.

9. Scientists can’t understand why Cricket hasn’t been eaten by a larger more dominant sport yet.

Basketball and the Middle East

piedpatter — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 15:41:45 +0000

Here is my frustration. I don’t follow basketball and I’m only marginally aware that there is some sort of playoff thing that happens in college. I’ve also sort of been following the situation in the middle east and have become increasingly less interested in that as well, college basketball less interested. But I have notice some striking similarities between the two:

1) Both have too many teams

2) I can never tells who’s winning

3) In the end, the experts are just guessing

4) They attract yelling youth

5) Lots of stops and starts

6) Never seem to end

I’m not saying that college basketball playoffs are as pointless as the situation middle east (yes I am), I’m just lumping everything I don’t understand into one subcategory, then merging them into a singular explanation for why I’m right.