Dolphins Are Communists!


It is widely known that I hate dolphins. They’re the jerks of the ocean. I have friends who love them, in a weird unnatural unicorn kind of way. They cry big buckets of tears about how dolphins are soooo intelligent (if they’re so smart why can’t they avoid tuna nets?) loving mammal fish, I’m wrong, and why don’t I just shut up about the dolphin? Well HA, now I have indisputable proof that dolphins are in fact agents of the Chinese government operating in international waters helping the PLAN protect Chinese vessels from pirates. Photographic evidence documents a pod of tuna bait “magically” appearing as if by magic to cut off suspected pirates from a Chinese merchant vessel. The pirates were unable to break through the dolphin strong hold so they gave up and went back to their secret pirate cove. I was right, now I am properly vindicated for my utter dislike of dolphins. They are communists. I’m gettin’ the message out. DOLPHINS ARE COMMIE LOVERS! Trust them no more.

On a related topic. What kind of pirate gives up at the sight of dolphins? When did dolphins become such a scary threat? This is good. The next time our navy is faced with a pirate/hostage situation save the bullets and just chuck dolphins at them. That works pretty well.

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