Free Criminals and Save Money!


D.C. is seriously considering releasing up to 80% of it’s prison population early. This will save $5 million in a $4 billion dollar budget deficit. And since most of these criminals have had vocational training in prison, they’re already primed for telemarketing and catalog sales positions. Originally, criminals could earn up to 5 days a month off there sentence by participating in job training and or educational programs. But, since they need to dump a bunch of criminals at once, they’ve gone to 5 years off your sentence for every 5 days you participate in a program.

Program variety has had to change as well, to include a broader range of skill sets. Beulah Fisher, the architect of this controversial new program, has asked to remain anonymous for fear that early release criminals might find her to say thanks. She had this to say about the program changes, “Not all criminals are going to be over achievers and punch license plates for a living, if this program is going to work, we need to consider all abilities and create programs designed for those abilities.” Some of the new programs criminals can earn early release for include, creating diaramas for Don’t Shiv Your Cellmate Awareness Month, Martha Stewart’s Decorating Lead Pipes and Fun with Soap and Socks arts and crafts , as well as some mental health programs like, Smile Your Way to Happiness, It’s Not My Fault I Murder People and Crazy Maniac Is Only A State Of Mind. There have already been some eager adopters of the new early release programs. One criminal who goes by “Icepick” had this to say, “Uh, yeah, it’s great we gettin’ out early. I just got 15 years off my sentence for murderin’ my wife cuz I took the I SPY readin’ program for a month. An that’s cool cuz I’m innocent, know what I’m sayin’?”

“It’s praise like that,” says Fisher the program’s anonymous champion, “that tells me there is hope for these criminals, even the really crazy ones. Please don’t print my name.”

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