In Space, No One Can Smell You Stink


So a bunch of people saw this big flash of light falling out the sky along the eastern seaboard. A number of people called into 911 concerned, like I would be, that we were in fact finally being invaded by Aliens. An official guy from the Naval Observatory said it was probably part of the Russian rocket recently launched, falling back to the earth. How thoughtful of the Russians to dump their flaming ball of space litter off the coast of our lovely Cape Hatteras. One would rightly guess it’s part of an evil Russian plot to crap up our National Parks. The last bastions of beauty and deer meat we have left in our country. But I digress. The Naval Observatory guy’s claim made sense, the flaming space ball was following the same trajectory that the Russian rocket’s space junk would have followed. Ah, but not so says the U.S. Air Force. The Air Force said the fiery ball of fury was not man-made but did not specify what is was. Apparently the USAF is tracking over 19,000 items of space crap! Bringing me to my insanely genius point. Space is the new landfil! And why not? It’s not like we have to look at it and it’s not disturbing any fragile ecosystems or killing Spotted Owls. The worst you can say is that the mice on the space station might have an objection to flying litter, but who cares, their whole reason for being is a science experiment anyway, so flying litter might be a nice distraction from the zero gravity shock treatments and space lobotomies already being performed on their tiny little mice bodies.

Shooting trash into space is reasonable on so many levels. First, the stink goes with the trash, there’s no stink in space, think about it. Second, no more landfills, and the only people that really effects are the Japanese who like to build airports on trash. Third, the premise is right inline with Obama’s share the wealth ideology, or as Karl Marx put it, “From each according to their ability; to each according to their need.” The Space Waste Elimination Redistribution Program, or SWERP, does exactly that. We, everyone living on the planet, are able to produce trash and will give it to Space who cannot produce trash on her own (meteors and asteroids don’t count, don’t argue, they just don’t) and therefore has need for it, (yes Space is a woman, because it’s dark, cold, and vapid, just kidding, it’s really because she’ll suck the life out of you in under 2 minutes if you aren’t properly attired).

Trash is truely the only level playing field, absolutely everybody on earth has the ability to produce it, and does. The best part of SWERP is that because it’s the redistribution of trash wealth it can be funded with bail out money, or with taxes, yeah! And it creates jobs, we are gonna need people to build and pack space trash pods and load trash rockets. It’s a whole new industry. A sound solution to a growing problem that makes perfect economic sense.

Now in conjunction with this we need to think about how we’re gonna clean up all the space crap that’s already up there. I suggest a giant magnet or space net. Either of these things would work the only problem with the magnet is it will most likely attract satellites and The Space Station, which wouldn’t be good. The net kind of has the same issue in that, like dolphins in tuna nets, it would catch things that aren’t trash, like satellites and The Space Station. Another option is prisoners with butterfly nets and trash bags. We already have the prisoners and I’m sure butterfly nets could be easily aquired in mass, the trash bags are no problem. The one issue there is that space debris is usually traveling at speeds of over 1000 mph. It might tear through a butterfly net. So maybe prisoners with magnets? The details can be worked out later but it should definitely involve prisoners.

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