Excerpts from Washington’s diary……….
Where, how, or with whom my time is spent…
I am at this most peaceful juncture in my present moment arrived at my abode, the Mount of Vernon, a lovelier and more welcoming sight have I not yet seen. My Wife in full splendor has regaled my homecoming with a most lovely and joyous party to be celebrated on the evening after next. She has such kind intentions and I have given full consent to the party which to I do not fully consent. That knowledge brings me to my most awful of dilemmas. Since the time of my boyhood and that devil cherry tree I have been regarded as a man for whom lying cannot be done! It is here in the quiet of my study while seated in the comfort of my favored chair that I can finally be relieved of the burdens I have carried low these many many years…
To whom and for what have I lied..
1. My dearest Wife Martha, this saddens me to the greatest depths of my soul to confess to you that yes, my Love, the blue silk dressing gown your cousin Ann purchased for you in Paris most assuredly does greatly enhance the wideness of your backside. As well, the green wall color you have selected for the dinning area off the entry gives my head the most horrific fit and makes my stomach wretch so terribly upon seeing it.
2. My most esteemed friend and colleague Mister Alexander Hamilton. It is with heavy heart I am compelled to tell you that this Christmas last when we were enjoying the company of your lovely family and beautiful Wife, Elizabeth, we all of us as one chorus with praise and adulation proclaimed Elizabeth’s Apple Brown Betty to be of superior flavor and matched by no other. We lied, all of us, without exception. The dog would not even take of it after several attempts were made. Please give your Wife our warmest regards and pray tell her never to make such an abomination again.
3. The stable master Thomas. The saddle you mount my steed with is most uncomfortable and it is only as the result of your having made it that I have not said so sooner. My silence was intentional hoping that other indicators would impress on you the gravity of my plight. Having said that, Thomas, I ask you, do your eyes fail you and render you blind? Have you no notice of the absurdly large amounts of wool padding I place underneath my self before I set out? And if that not be enough to persuade you, how is it you miss completely that with each return, I cannot walk upright for a fortnight or more because of how that saddle stings me so! Dash it all Thomas! The saddle is stiff as the dead!
4. My faithful manservant Christopher, I did not submit to you an answer with complete honesty at all with regard to your newest wig style of yet. I feel it is most urgent I say this before you go one moment more believing the coif on your head renders you most desirable to the fairer sex. It is, most factually, repelling those for whom you wish to attract. To put this is in it’s proper context I must tell you it was remarked to Caroline, my Wife’s maid by the old Smith weaver woman, you know weaver Smith, she is the limping old woman who is missing all but one front tooth she favors most fervently, that it is in fact the case your wig offends her sensibilities. Weaver Smith takes offense at your hair! My trusted Manservant, recall if you will that the weaver Smith is not discriminating in the least with her assignations, and it is that even she cannot bare the sight of you! A more unfortunate pronouncement I cannot recall. Go now to the docks at once upon knowledge of this and make no haste about it! Cast the atrocity that sits atop your head into the deep of the Potomac never to horrify those you love again.
5. To my loyal butler Frank, I lied, you are not the earths most beloved pillow fluffer.
6. Weaver Smith, your one remaining tooth does in fact make you look like a toothless hag. Sorry to have said otherwise.
7. To my dear friend, Mister Thomas Jefferson, your neck stock does accentuate the lengthiness of your neck making you look like a strung up giraffe.
8. Cousin Mary, you are too old to ever find happiness.
9. Nephew Johnathan, I told your father you burned down his barn when in fact it was my drunk butler Frank who did it. Sorry about the scolding, I heard it was most brutal. Plan on leaving you some land when I die to make up for it. A nice piece, not that fallow slop your brother’s getting.
That is all for one sitting. My dearest Wife’s maidservant Mollie calls for me to go to my Wife who I know is standing right next to her, but does not herself call, because that is what Mollie is supposed to do. Oh how I learned that lesson a most hard way.