Congress Passes A Pile of Poo….

Congress recently voted to pass a pile of s–t, (that’s the new name of the bill given by Ohio Representitive John Boehner), by 219-212.  The pile of s–t bill use to go by the name of the Waxman-something something bill and is suppose to help prevent global warming or something crazy like that, which is ironic because as we all know, poo is a primary cause of global warming.  But only man-made poo.  The pile contains over 1200 pages of s–t, Boehner’s words not mine, and has all kinds of silly things in it like, grants to find alternative fairy fuels and and endowments for research on how to harness the power of unicorn magic.  So the democrats are anti-warm weather, but they have no objection to trapping, caging, and exorcising the magic out of unicorns to heat their precious biodegradable mansions!  I’m being silly, but the actual bill is far worse than torturing Unicorns for their magic.  I know, you’re thinking, what could be worse than that?!  This pile of s–t.

Dingoes and Conservatives Promote Diversity

Australia has the longest fence in the world spanning 3000 miles across it’s southern territories.  The purpose is to keep the dingoes out, because they eat everything, and even though they’re dogs, they don’t make good pets.  This was discovered early on when the first settler who tried to pet one got eaten.  Which supports my general premise that everything in Australia is actively trying to kill you.  The whole country is filled with creatures bent on killing and eating everyone.  Moving on.  Scientists were surprised when they discovered, however, that the side of the fence with the dingoes actually had a more diverse ecosystem.  Whereas, the fenced in side had more Kangaroos and foxes, mid-level predators, but fewer small animals like Numbats and quolls.  I am not making that up, those are actual animals.  So the food chain goes like this, dingoes eat kangaroos and foxes, mostly, as well as everything else, but they usually will go for the big animals first, and then the kangaroos and foxes eat all the smaller animals.  See, it’s a food chain.  So when you take out the alpha predator, it jacks up the food chain, causing ecochaos and destroying the world.

Now this got me thinking about diversity,  how diversity is created and how it fits into the grand scheme of things in general.  And then it dawned on me who could best benefit from the great Australian fence experiment. Universities!  Universities are always trying to promote diversity and now with Dingo Diversity they might just achieve it.

I have to stop right here and point out that I am not in fact advocating the release of actual Dingos onto the Campuses across the U.S. as a means of promoting diversity.

What I am advocating is far more dangerous and controversial, and some of you may wish that it was only Dingos……. but it is in fact conservatives.  Yes, I am advocating releasing a whole host of conservatives into Universities across America.  Think about it,  Conservative opinion has been “fenced out” of academic debate for decades, and as a result, liberals, or mid-level predators, have eaten all the smaller animals or in this case minority view points.   It’s not about debate with mid-level predators, it’s about eating small animals.  So in order to diversify this food chain, or academic debate  as it were, there needs to be an influx of alpha predators to eat the mid level predators so that the smaller animals can multiply thus creating diversity.  Conservatives, by their very nature are alpha predators, they have a singular objective, truth, not relative truth, or “squishy touchy feely” truth, but objective truth.  Truth that does not change shape or evolve to suit anyones needs, Truth is not a living orgamism that keeps up with times, it just IS, and the alpha predator knows it.   So as a rule they don’t bother much with the smaller animals, because well they’re small and why eat something small when you can eat something bigger, but don’t get me wrong, if hungry enough the conservative will eat a small animal.  So here’s how the new academic food chain would work, with the re-introduction of the alpha predator, the conservative, you have active debate with the mid-level predator or the liberal, which mittigates the mid-level predator’s ability to take out the smaller animals or minority view point for several reasons,  and here are two, the first being, once logic and reason is injected back into debate and it begins to take hold, some mid-level predators will see the light and become alpha predators, secondly, the culture of debate created by the re-introduction of the alpha predator benefits everyone on campus including small animals or minority view points.  This newly created culture of debate can then flourish creating even more diversity, oodles of it, University acedemics and students alike will be sick with diversity. They will pine for the day when they only had vanilla and chocolate ice cream to choose from.  When it was just Atari or Intellivision, Beta or VHS.  But see here’s my point, you don’t even get to  chocolate without debate and someone challenging  vanilla saying, “Hey I don’t agree with Vanilla Beanism, I believe Coco Beanism.  I think it is more reasonable and logical to be a Coco Beanist.”    That can’t happen if campuses are full of Kangaroos and Foxes and a few Numbats.  Not kidding that is an animal.  Universities need Dingo Diversity.  The world needs it.  Viva la Dingo Revolution!

Getting A Job Just Got Harder…

As if finding a job in this economy wasn’t bad enough, a recent article in U.S. News and World Reports, says that  companies have  now added psychology to the mix.  Because the market is flooded with applicants, companies are employing Psychologists to try and weed out the misfits, loonies, trouble makers and potentially ugly people from getting the jobs that smart, sane,  pretty people should be getting.  The “potentially ugly” category being a bit more subjective and involves computer aging potential candidates to make sure they don’t get ugly in the 10 to 20 years they might be employed with the company.  Many employers are hoping that having psychologists conduct the interview will cut down on the cost of a “mis-hire.”  Those people that  seem great at first and then you find out they have a toe nail clipping collection in their desk drawer and have to be fired.

Organizational psychologists are also suppose to cut down on the traditional biases associated with the interview process.  As the article puts it:

“The Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 changed the way companies   performed psychological analysis, and severely limited the use of questions that would reveal a medical impairment, like depression. In fact, organizational psychologists today might be the interviewers least likely to form biases. Traditional interviewers tend to make their calls on a candidate within the first three minutes of meeting, Sidle says, often basing their judgment on superficial criteria, such as the college the candidate attended, physical appearance, or interests and activities. The interviewer then spends the rest of the interview trying to confirm that immediate bias, in favor or against the job seeker, Sidle says.”

Woah! Hold up, superficial criteria such as college, physical appearance and hobbies?!  You can’t get enough bias about these things for my money and here’s why, biases are societies way of protecting itself from all the ickyness in the world.  Here is a perfect case to  illustrate my point.

Future applicant, let’s call him, Joe.  If we eliminate biased questions and criteria from the interview, here is what Joe would look like.

Psychologist:  So Joe, it says here that you managed a major  marketing proposal for your previous employer that landed you a multi contract with your client.  Tell me some of the things that you did to effectively execute that project?

Joe:  Well I had an excellent group of people working with me so that definitely helped.  I implemented good time management and oversight strategies to that kept the project rolling and highlighted challenges quickly allowing us to fix problems immediately.

Sounds good so far.  Joe looks great on paper.  You’d probably hire him.  Now, here’s how the interview would go if the company allowed for biases…  let’s read…

Psychologist:  So Joe, I notice that you are mostly naked, except for that loin cloth.  What’s that about?

Joe:  I am currently the marketing director  for a Co-opt of organic vegan farmers and out of solidarity with victims of animal slaughter, my brothers and sisters,  cow, chicken, pig, duck, and all the other animals, we at the Co-opt go mostly naked.  We also support animal marriage.  Platonic animal marriage of course.  We’re not freaks.

Psychologist: Ya like farming do ya?  Is it a hobby of yours?

Joe: Yes I love it.  I garden in the nude.

STOP.  And that is why you need to take into account looks, education, interests and activities when you’re interviewing.  These are critical to the decision making process.  You’d end up hiring Joe if you didn’t consider biases.  The naked, veggie eating, animal marrying gardner.  And that would be a terrible mistake, he’d be mostly naked for board meetings, sticking to the seats, and then there’s the whole issue of what to get for a wedding gift when he decides to marry a cow.   There goes the grill, that’s out for sure.  So that’s why biases and lots of personal probing questions need to be included in interviews.

Support Israel, Earn Bonus Points

Visa is sponsoring an Israeli credit card that allows you to support a variety of Israel’s charities as well as earn points.  I had no idea you could support an entire country with a Visa card.  That’s brilliant.  And bonus points as well, even better!! I’m wondering, and it’s just a thought, could the movement to make Pluto a planet again use a Visa Campaign as well?  How great would that be?!  Pluto would regain it’s rightful place in every little kids styrofoam wire hanger mobile galaxy, and you can cash in points for some more crunk!  (It’s a new term I’m trying to coin, Crap+junk=crunk, think about it, it’s catchy)  But more importantly Pluto will be a planet again, making all right with the Universe, that once again has a planet named Pluto in it….

Featured Bad Author: Amanda McKittrick Ros

Amanda McKittrick Ros is arguably the worst author ever.  That characterization is not, however, how she viewed her work. Ros regarded herself as a very serious author whose greatness would be recognized the world over in due time.  My words not hers.  What she actually said about herself was recently quoted in a  Smithsonian magazine article by Miles Corwin,  “‘the million and one who thirst for aught that drops from my pen,’ and predicted she would “be talked about at the end of a thousand years.'”

I know, incredibly bad.  But it gets worse.  Much worse.  She might have even faded into obscurity if it weren’t for her incredible fan base which included well known, good authors, like Mark Twain and C.S. Lewis’ entire literary group the Inklings.  In fact the group, which included J.R.R. Tolkien, never bored and always amused, would try to read aloud from her prose and the first one to laugh while reading would lose.  It’s actually harder than you think, I’ve tried it.  Here is a sample from the poem  “Visiting Westminster Abbey,”

Holy Moses! Have a look!
Flesh decayed in every nook!
Some rare bits of brain lie here,
Mortal loads of beef and beer,
Some of whom are turned to dust,
Every one bids lost to lust;
Royal flesh so tinged with ‘blue’
Undergoes the same as you.

Here is some more bad stuff…

Dickens had The Tale of Two Cities, and Ros had this opening line from,  Delina Delaney,

“Have you ever visited that portion of Erin’s plot that offers its sympathetic soil for the minute survey and scrutinous examination of those in political power, whose decision has wisely been the means before now of converting the stern and prejudiced, and reaching the hand of slight aid to share its strength in augmenting its agricultural richness?”

Wow.

And still more bad writing,  from  her first book, Irene Iddesleigh,

“Speak! Irene! Wife! Woman! Do not sit in silence and allow the blood that now boils in my veins to ooze through cavities of unrestrained passion and trickle down to drench me with its crimson hue!”

For more on this amazingly bad author you can go to the following:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amanda_McKittrick_Ros

http://www.nickpage.co.uk/worstweb/ros/ros.html