How Do You Fire An Academician?

A question that has plagued the ages, right after how do you fire a government worker, is how do you get rid of an academician?  Harvard knows how.  The second largest employer in Boston is  firing 275 of it’s 16,000 employees because it’s losing its endowments.  It’s not exactly known why they are losing their endowments, they don’t say.  But the real story in all this is who the lucky 275 faculty members to be canned by the eternally sympathetic Harvard Administration are.  Here’s the breakdown:

5 faculty members were seen coming out of  a restaurant known to be owned by a man who was once reported to have made a Pro-Bush statement about the Iraqi Occupation, and I quote, “There are those who believe the surge is working and those who don’t,” end quote.  Since making that blatantly Pro-Bush statement his business was  put under investigation and he was fined heavily for not having an ethnically diverse menu.

103 faculty members it turns out were being paid posthumously.  That type of clerical error according to the University bursars office happens a lot.  So not fired, just expired.

3 are trannies in Bangkok waiting for sexual reassignment surgery.  So they aren’t really being fired, but the University, in an effort to be sensitive to their needs is “mock” firing their former self and “hiring” back their new self.  The group hug is optional as some people felt it infringed on the separation of church and state.

32 were Republicans. The University could not be reached for comment on this.

43 as it turns out weren’t ever really hired by Harvard but somehow managed to collect a paycheck.  Again, the Bursars office says it happens a lot.  As an aside, all 43 are filing a class action wrongful termination lawsuit against Harvard claiming that since they were never actually hired by the University, they cannot then therefore be fired by the University either.  Clearly these people didn’t have to work for Harvard to think like they did, cuz that one’s brilliant.  They’re being represented by Harvard Law School pro bono.

1 mentioned the words intelligent and design in the same sentence at a faculty house warming  party, and I quote, “How intelligent, a design that has both form and function.” The termination notice was delivered 25 minutes later on a cocktail napkin.

2 were relocated to Sing Sing. Harvard is still considering holding their positions, contingent on satisfactory rehabilitation.  When pressed to answer what “satisfactory” meant, the University spokesperson said, “Well they have to be really sorry of course.”      Of course.

4 are missing, presumed happier.

1 falsified the results of 78 studies and stole $845,000 in grant money.  The upside is that the studies were on the long term effects of misusing “I” and “Am” so no one really noticed or cared.  Me certainly didn’t.

1 was a female mathematician who unfortunately observed one day, “Hey there sure are a lot of women in the English department.”

1 was an undocumented worker who the University fought to keep, there was even a protest and petition to save his job, but in the end there just wasn’t enough public sympathy for a guy who is wanted in Columbia for poisoning his entire village. He even wrote a book about it entitled, “I Poisoned My Entire Village and Now I Work For Harvard.”

10 had falsified information on their applications, which would normally get a pass at Harvard, but they also went to state schools so they had to go.  The University has a reputation to uphold.

1 said “Good Will Hunting” was good but not great.  His car was also keyed as a function of his firing.

17 are being detained at Gitmo.

2 were ugly.

10 publicly questioned global warming.

3 nobody liked.

And the remaining 37 bought the Honda Hybrid instead of the Prius.


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