The World As I See It…

If my product’s directions are going to be in two languages, it offends me less, for some reason, if the other one is French.  It just makes the product seem more classy,  like a luxury shampoo, rather than some box of bulk diapers purchased at Costco.


Obama’s Teleprompter Commits Suicide

Obama’s teleprompter, in what appears to be a clear case of suicide, leaped to it’s death during one of his speeches recently, crashing to the floor in a million tiny shards of teleprompter glass.  Obama, unfazed by the death of his prompter, kept on talking using the one on his right side.  The one he now refers to as  “loyal one.”  The White House hasn’t released an official statement yet, but staffers are saying  the prompter had been noticeably depressed ever since it’s rather public malfunction back in April.  Placed on prompter probation, the tinted piece of glass was walking on thin ice with the President, knowing that one more debacle and it was curtains.  One insider, who wishes to remain anonymous said the President was very harsh with Teleprompter and would often use the tinted piece of glass as a mirror to check his teeth or fix his collar, and on occasion sing the entire theme song to Shaft.  Staffers admitted they had no idea Prompters depression was this bad and vowed to make sure this  never happens again.  There will be a White House staff in service on “How to Tell If A White House Appliance is Going to Hurt Itself or Someone Else,” and a 24 hour Appliance Hotline.

On a related note, La Toya Jackson has stated publically she has proof Teleprompter was murdered.

Global Warming is the New Hitler

Bush II, the former holder of the Hitler title, has been unceremoniously dethroned by Global Warming, and he has Al Gore to thank for it ironically.  Although  Gore  still maintains the right to reference Bush as Hitler as needed, like when people start openly questioning global warming, Gore might want to accuse the Hitlerian Bush administration for confusing the masses with falsehoods and shenanigans.  That kind of thing.

Supporters of Gore’s global warming stuff say that comparing the failure on the part of politicians to take seriously greenhouse gases to the failure of politicians seventy years ago to take seriously the warnings of Churchill regarding the military build of Germany is an absolutely sound comparison.

I could not agree more.  The average individuals  imperceptible detection of any climate change whatsoever is absolutely just like the Nazi wholesale slaughter of six million Jews, Christians,  political dissenters, artists, and anyone else they didn’t like.  I’m sure survivors of the Holocaust and us survivors of global warming have a lot in common.

Duck Love No More

This made me laugh and then made me think, but mostly laugh…

Minnesota’s breeding duck population declined 31 percent from last year – falling to an estimated 507,000 birds – and state officials aren’t sure why”

It’s because the ducks aren’t gettin’ it on anymore.  That’s the obvious answer.  But officials can’t understand why, since they dumped a butt load of money into making everything “perfect” for the ducks to get busy.

“We are committed to hitting the 1 million-bird target,” Dennis Simon, DNR wildlife chief, said in a news release. “That means focusing on a long-term strategy to improve the quantity and quality of wetlands and grassland through the combined efforts of many partners.”

They’ve developed a strategy for duck sex, something that if left completely alone would be happening for free, they’ve invested money into.  Where’s the Duck Love Bailout Bill?  But for all that money the ducks still don’t like doing it in Minnesota.

Steve Cordts, Department of Natural Resources waterfowl specialist said excellent water conditions in the Dakotas could have drawn migrating ducks there, instead of Minnesota.

I had no idea ducks were this complex.  I just assumed that ducks, like all other animals on the planet including some people, had relations where ever they happened to be at the time they felt like getting frisky.  Never, not once, did it occur to my fragile little mind that ducks might require the perfect combination of water, grass, weather, and Barry White to make babies.  I wonder if Minnesota’s DNR can invoice North and South Dakota for their duck loss?  A kind of, “hey we spent all this money making sweet sweet duck love happen and you guys now have all the ducky love chicks that resulted..  give them back or pay us,” invoice.

Convert or Miss Out On A Fun Filled Vacation to A Holy Destination of Your Choosing!

As if reality T.V. hadn’t sunk low enough ( NYC Prep and Dating in the Dark) we now have Penitents Compete.  A Turkish game show that challenges a panel of  holy men to convert 10 bona fide atheists.  Making up the panel is a Buddhist monk, a Jewish rabbi, a Muslim mullah, and a Catholic priest.  The grand prize is a vacation to Tibet, Mecca, Jerusalem, or Rome.  Like this is hard?  Of the four, only one gets me a free vacation to Europe.  But, just so the game show is on the level, potential contestants are questioned in advance by scholarly theologians who will  guarantee they are in fact atheists and not just a bunch of believers looking to get a free vacation.  Because as we all know, no one is more willing to lie outright about  believing in God to get on Turkish t.v. than religious people.

But the show has run into more than a few problems.  Not the least of which is the inter panel drama that has already begun even before the first show has taped.  The mullah has apparently declared a fatwa on the rabbi, the Buddhist monk is trying to work in finding the incarnation of his former master with a grueling show schedule, and the Priest is having a trouble balancing the show with his real life job as the Vatican’s official twitterer.

But the shows producers are optimistic saying that fatwas happen and it’s nothing that can’t be worked out with a little diplomacy.  In the meantime, however, the rabbi is holed up in his hotel room recovering from a near death experience with an exploding shwarma and the mullah won’t go on the show unless he can kill all the infidels, sort of a Convert or Die, type of scenario.  Producers in an effort to promote peace among the panelists have gone on record as saying, “We haven’t ruled out anything.  We are willing to work with all the panelists to reach a peaceable agreement.  We are not ruling out the possibility of killing infidels, then again we are not saying that we will..  We are remaining open at this point.”   Many potential contestants are complaining that a convert or die type game show means they will end up going to Mecca, when they really want to go to Rome.  Producers are working out the details on a possible, convert to Islam go to Rome, option for the winner.

When asked if the convert or die policy might compel people to convert even if they don’t want to, the producers of the show said they didn’t think so.  When pressed on this issue of whether or not they thought people would convert to Islam just to avoid having their heads lobbed off, the producers of the show said that if contestants feel compelled to convert to Islam rather than die, than it’s still a valid decision because in the end they exercised their choice to convert or die. The fact that it’s not a great choice, the producers say, isn’t really their problem.

The World As I See It………..

The small town of Gaffney S.C. is once again being terrorized by a serial killer. That’s right, they had the Gaffney Strangler forty years ago and now they’ve got a guy with a gun killing people. Apart from the brutality of the crimes themselves, five people have died so far, is the shock that this could happen in such a small rural community. But apparently not because this is the second time in forty years someone had gone on a killing spree. There’s always that one townsperson who says, “This kind of thing doesn’t happen here, we’re a small town, everybody knows everyone, we all get along….” WRONG. This is exactly the kind of thing that happens here. Obviously, if this is the second time around for a crazy in Gaffney. My point is solid. Let’s review the evidence shall we:

Teb Bundy: Killed in rural communities in Oregon and Florida.
Zodiac Killer: Small northern California communities.
John Wayne Gacy aka Killer Clown: Small town in Iowa and prominent member of the local Democratic party, just an interesting side note.
Green River Killer: Small town in Washington.

And don’t bother bringing up that Son of Sam guy who terrorized New York city for ten years, because I would argue he wasn’t the only one terrorizing New York at that time. There were plenty of things to be afraid of New York in the late sixties. So, the moral of the story is this, if you want to avoid getting killed by a stark raving lunatic your best bet is to live in a heavily populated area with a lot of street lights, traffic and dogs. Lots of big dogs. Oh and guns. People packing concealed weapons are a huge deterrent for psychotics. Psychos may be crazy but they don’t want to be dead, they want to make other people dead, and guns make you dead, so they tend to avoid being at the business end of one.