Apiarists, Finally A Chance to Be Really Useful

Beekeepers, that’s what that word means.  I came across this article and the title made me laugh, Tourists warned as Asian hornets terrorise French. Public disclaimer here, I don’t know if anyone has been killed yet by the Asian Terrorist hornet,  I did not read the article, I repeat, I am just riding the humor train coat tails here and haven’t bothered to check fact one.  But the  title got me thinking, and I’ve got to add, this hornet is HUGE. Check it out.

asian-giant-hornet

I know.

Anyhow, it got thinking, isn’t this great? Because now Apiarists can really shine and do something heroic for mankind.  They can go to France, as if by a higher calling, and save the French from this huge mother of a hornet.  They are, after all, an undervalued, if not completely ignored and totally unknown group of people that no one thinks about ever.  But not anymore.  Now they have a real purpose.  I did read the part in the article that said the European hornet is no match for the Asian Man-eating Hornet Terrorist. (No shock there).  So really, the only hope for France is the magic and conjuring of those white frocked, mesh faced vespa (genus name for hornets, not the Italian moped) lovers.  Every sting of pain endured, every dumb bee  joke leveled at them, every tear shed at the loss of first place in the county fair honey making contest,  every holiday with a drunk mother crying, “we put you through college for this,”  and, “no one will ever marry you, you’re fat, ugly, and you keep bees,” you suffered through for low these many years have all been for this one shining moment of heroicismness.

I see this as a the turning point for this profession.  The meat packing industry had that guy that wrote The Jungle,  and Apiarist have the Asian hornet that terrorized France.  Unfortunately  for the French though,  they’ve gone from being rescued by the Allies because they couldn’t protect their own country from Germans, to being rescued by Beekeepers because they couldn’t protect their own country from Hornets.  This cannot bode well for them as a nation.

The World As I See It…..

Dorset was all ready to host Roar on the Shore, 110,000 fireworks set off from a barge all in under 60 seconds.  There were 175,000 eager men, women, children,  and creepy pyromaniacs lining the shore to see the most majestic display of spectacular sparkle the world has ever known!  Now imagine, what could be better than 110,000 fireworks all going off in under 60 seconds?  If they all went off AT ONCE! That would be totally awesome!! Like one big giant planet size sparkler!! YEAH!! Which is exactly what happened, only the news papers didn’t call it, “The Worlds Largest Sparkler Goes Off In Dorset Delighting Millions Around the World,”  no.  They called it Firework Fail.  But I say no, it’s Firework Fantastic!  And, to add to the fun, the barge caught fire!  How cool is that?  I’m not sure if anyone got injured.  I didn’t actually read the article.  But you can.  Here.  Also I’ve added a video.  Enjoy.

Exotic Vacation Destination #4: North Korea

That’s right.  North Korea is open for tourism, on a very limited trial basis of course.  But think of the fun if you happen to be one of the lucky ones who gets to go and return, not having been tortured or jailed.  Now I know what everyone is thinking.  What’s there to see in North Korea?  Well total darkness for one thing!  If Paris is the City of Lights, then Pyongyang is the City of No Lights! Well technically speaking Pyongyang is the only city with lights but the rest of the country is pitch black!

KoreaByNightHeck yeah that’s cool!  Ignore the bottom half, it’s South Korea.  That’s just another boring country with running water and electricity available all the time.  A thousand places on the planet have that. Yawn.

And for those of who want to take in a show.  There’s the crazy new theatrical hit, Kim Jong Il’s Babes in Warland Review!

north_korean_army_babes_mdThe New York Times calls it,  “just the kind of good old fashion diplomacy the world needs.” Chicago Sun Times says it’s, “Kim Jong Ilicious!”

If your one of those history junkies whose into neo-narcissitic monuments to failed ideologies there’s always a visit to this thing.

north-korea-monumentYeah nothing says, “Happy fun time” like a hammer, a crow bar, and a paint-by-numbers brush.  Notice, no lines.  You are sure to be the first one in and out.  Disney World can’t guarantee that.  Heck, it’s a 45 minute wait just to get into the Archives in D.C.  45 minutes to see a bunch of old paper!  But you get all this with no wait. Free tap water for the kiddies even. Yum.

Finally, in case you’re thinking, “How will I get around?” or  “I’m not familiar with mass transit in North Korea.”  Never fear.  You can ride on the completely renovated, fully modernized, horse drawn subway system.

1395425953_93520c3bbfComplete with chandeliers and lightbulbs.  See how pretty that is.  Don’t those 17 people look happy to be taking full advantage of a government run transit system?  Keep in mind, the subway only runs four days a week, three hours a day.  The hours aren’t consecutive either.  Also, there’s no schedule for service so just be prepared to never go anywhere ever.  That way you won’t be disappointed, just like the North Koreans.  They learned to give up hope a long time ago, and you will too.

Men Dressed As Women’s Lib

The women’s liberation movement started a long time ago, some argue with the Suffragettes, some argue with Eve, the time frame is not as relevant as the subsequent outcome of the movement; voting rights and the incremental emasculation of millions of men through a constant deluge of anti-male press and corporate sensitivity training.  The feminist movement of the 70’s should be elated with their success.  They have managed to convince most of America that they too can be just as male as men.  By joining the military, running companies, driving trucks, working on oil rigs, playing golf, etc.  All of these womanly accomplishments have gone a really long way in proving female mettle in the terrifying arena of Manworld.  Modern feminists have spent their souls convincing the world they can do anything a man can do, and better.

Women are forever challenging this notion of “male-only” and bullying their way into all male events and clubs, effectively ruining it for everyone else.  The reason they have all male events is because they don’t want women mucking it up.  Women wreck men fun.

But men are getting back, in a really interesting and disturbing way.  Welcome to the annual Miss International Pagent.   A pageant for transvestites and transgendered.  The purpose of which, according to the website is:

” ..to advance and support today’s transvestites / transgender, Miss International Queen™ Pageant offers great opportunities for transvestites/transgender from all over the world to present their individual beauty and intelligence in a friendly atmosphere.”

Isn’t that wonderful.  Men have their own girly pagent, and they’re kicking our butts in the process.  How is that you say?  They’re really hot.  See:

winner

Yep, that’s a dude.

Compared with this:

04302004_boystoo

Which is also a dude.

How is this not proof that men do everything better than we do?  When they can put on a pagent dress and look better as a woman than most women could ever hope to look with a lifetime of plastic surgery.  Boggles the mind.

New Kitty Classification System for Work….

My husband has a very important job.  I know because he tells me.  Consequently, he’s a busy man.  Often times he will answer questions like, “How’s work?” with “I feel like a one legged man a paper hanging contest…”  Very idiomatic. He paints pictures with words.  But, it’s not very meaningful to me.  To say that your day is like a one legged man in a paper hanging contest doesn’t really signify much about your day other than you been hoping around a lot unsuccessfully trying to hang paper.  You see my point.  It doesn’t convey the message in a meaningful way.  This has prompted me to come up with a meaningful classification system for my husband  to use when he answers the “How’s work?’ question.  It’s a simple system based on the Kitty Interference Principle, a theory that unifies all existing theories on cat behavior into one simple principle,  a kitty’s determination to interfere with any and all activity that focuses an owners attention on anything other than kitty is directly related to importance of  the activity that’s taking the owners attention elsewhere.   Simply explained, if you are writing a shopping list, the kitty will likely just walk around the room and periodically meow until you acknowledge their presence.  It’s annoying but not exceedingly so.  However, should you be performing life saving CPR on your family room floor, the kitty will  jump on the victim and most likely try to sleep on your hands while you give chest compressions, first swatting at you in annoyance because you won’t move your hands.

There are four types of Kitty Classifications my husband can use to denote how work is going.

Kitty Con IV, a.k.a, Kitty Milling:  This indicates that work  projects are only mildly irritating as they mill around the desk and occasionally meow for attention, but will go away sleep somewhere after a gentle toss into another room.

Kitty Con III, a.k.a, Kitty Meow Purr:  This is a little more annoying,  as work projects become slightly more aggressive, constantly rubbing up against a leg while purring and meowing.  It’s the projects way of saying, “Hey I’m here and I’m probably not going to leave until you pet me or pick me up, and even then I promise nothing.”

Kitty Con II, a.k.a, Kitty Death Trip:  A noticeably more aggressive behavior  indicated by work projects weaving in and out of your legs as you try to walk.  Also, projects like to sit quietly behind you as you are about to turn around and walk, intentionally tripping you and causing you to stumble, or possibly fall.   All the while the work project acts as though you are the moron who can’t stay upright.  Insolent little projects.

Kitty Con I, a.k.a, Kitty Nap: The most aggressive of the classifications occurs when a work project hops up on your desk, purrs loudly as it bounds onto your keyboard, circles a few times to get just the right position, and then sits it’s hiney down first, then folds it’s front paws underneath it,  and finally rest it’s head on your once typing fingers and goes to sleep.  No amount of hand jiggle will move the project,  you have to physically pick it up and toss it on the floor, at which point the project will hop up again and start the process all over.  If the project is angry enough, it will swipe at you to get out of the way as it tries to sit on your warm, attention hog of  a keyboard.

These classifications will go a long way to giving my husband the tools he needs to successfully classify his work day.  I will now understand immediately based on what Kitty Con he gives, exactly how his day is going.  Next up, an explanation of the Potty Con classification, designed for families traveling on long road trips plagued with innumerable potty stops.

Deadbeat Daddy Doll

The Chicago Tribune had an article about a Spanish toy makers new  Bebe Gloton, the breastfeeding baby doll.  I didn’t read the article, but I’m sure it was insightful.  Anyhow, the idea is that little girls get to experience the joys and miracles of breastfeeding at age five.  People definitely have their opinions about this, ranging from, what kind of insane nut job thinks this is a good idea, to,  this is great, it teaches our daughters the the importance of responsible breastfeeding.  Really, responsible breastfeeding for 5-8 year old girls?  How about a doll that teaches my five year old the importance or responsible room neatness, or dish cleanliness?  Which brings me to my point.  One of the largest objections to the doll is that it’s too over the top and will lead to teen pregnancy.  But I say it’s not over the top enough.  I think little girls not only need the benefit of a doll that demonstrates how to properly breastfeed, but the benefit of a deadbeat dad doll that comes along with getting pregnant at 15.  Yeah, they should be sold as a set.  If toy makers are truly interested in selling a realistic experience for your little 8 year old who can’t wait to have a baby, then they should sell the entire experience. It would go something like this,

“Hey honey, your mom and I got you this really cool breastfeeding baby doll for your birthday.  And guess what,   it comes with a worthless deadbeat daddy doll too.  Yeah, it’s designed to ditch you and your baby and never pay you a dime in child support.”

“But daddy the ‘worthless deadbeat daddy doll’ box is empty.”

“That’s right honey, that’s because he’s out man-whoring around with his sleazy stripper girlfriends and is way to busy for the responsibility of being in a box.  But look, he left you a note.”

“It says, ‘Dear Baby Momma, Ain’t no way that baby mine.  An, you lied to me when you said you was 18.’  Wow, is that how my babies daddy talks?”

“Yep honey, your baby daddy is white trash, and when I find him, I’m gonna buy the ‘Angry Out for Revenge Daddy of Pregnant Teenage Daughter Doll,’ complete with rifle and restraining order, to hunt him down and kill in the street like a dog.”

“Gee daddy, that doesn’t sound very fun.  I’m not sure I want all that other stuff.  Can I just have a Barbie instead?”

End scene.

Another teen age pregnancy avoided just by using a little common sense and truth in toy making.

World’s Largest Raspberry

This is incredible.  This raspberry, found in the wild untamed berry patches of Midwest Minnesota is bigger than a turtle.  Insane.  I’ve been berry picking numerous times and never come across a turtle, much less a raspberry the size of one.  Simply amazing.

raspberry_turtle