My husband has a very important job. I know because he tells me. Consequently, he’s a busy man. Often times he will answer questions like, “How’s work?” with “I feel like a one legged man a paper hanging contest…” Very idiomatic. He paints pictures with words. But, it’s not very meaningful to me. To say that your day is like a one legged man in a paper hanging contest doesn’t really signify much about your day other than you been hoping around a lot unsuccessfully trying to hang paper. You see my point. It doesn’t convey the message in a meaningful way. This has prompted me to come up with a meaningful classification system for my husband to use when he answers the “How’s work?’ question. It’s a simple system based on the Kitty Interference Principle, a theory that unifies all existing theories on cat behavior into one simple principle, a kitty’s determination to interfere with any and all activity that focuses an owners attention on anything other than kitty is directly related to importance of the activity that’s taking the owners attention elsewhere. Simply explained, if you are writing a shopping list, the kitty will likely just walk around the room and periodically meow until you acknowledge their presence. It’s annoying but not exceedingly so. However, should you be performing life saving CPR on your family room floor, the kitty will jump on the victim and most likely try to sleep on your hands while you give chest compressions, first swatting at you in annoyance because you won’t move your hands.
There are four types of Kitty Classifications my husband can use to denote how work is going.
Kitty Con IV, a.k.a, Kitty Milling: This indicates that work projects are only mildly irritating as they mill around the desk and occasionally meow for attention, but will go away sleep somewhere after a gentle toss into another room.
Kitty Con III, a.k.a, Kitty Meow Purr: This is a little more annoying, as work projects become slightly more aggressive, constantly rubbing up against a leg while purring and meowing. It’s the projects way of saying, “Hey I’m here and I’m probably not going to leave until you pet me or pick me up, and even then I promise nothing.”
Kitty Con II, a.k.a, Kitty Death Trip: A noticeably more aggressive behavior indicated by work projects weaving in and out of your legs as you try to walk. Also, projects like to sit quietly behind you as you are about to turn around and walk, intentionally tripping you and causing you to stumble, or possibly fall. All the while the work project acts as though you are the moron who can’t stay upright. Insolent little projects.
Kitty Con I, a.k.a, Kitty Nap: The most aggressive of the classifications occurs when a work project hops up on your desk, purrs loudly as it bounds onto your keyboard, circles a few times to get just the right position, and then sits it’s hiney down first, then folds it’s front paws underneath it, and finally rest it’s head on your once typing fingers and goes to sleep. No amount of hand jiggle will move the project, you have to physically pick it up and toss it on the floor, at which point the project will hop up again and start the process all over. If the project is angry enough, it will swipe at you to get out of the way as it tries to sit on your warm, attention hog of a keyboard.
These classifications will go a long way to giving my husband the tools he needs to successfully classify his work day. I will now understand immediately based on what Kitty Con he gives, exactly how his day is going. Next up, an explanation of the Potty Con classification, designed for families traveling on long road trips plagued with innumerable potty stops.