According to a UK op-ed piece. I was intrigued and happy with the byline, up to a point, The disappointment with Barack Obama is tangible, and sad with the rest of it, on climate change and financial reform Europe leads while the US lags. Once again, just when I think I am going to find some commonality with our allies across the pond, they bring up global warming and the economy. On that last point, is Europe really in a position to educate the rest of the world on how to keep a country in the black? In the real world no one gets credit for coming up with ideas that don’t work, however, they do still get a paycheck for them… congress.
I came up with a really great idea for how to effectively discipline my children for bad behavior exhibited when they’re with the nanny, while at the same time relieving my Nanny of the responsibility of disciplining my kids, which isn’t her job. Lost yet, follow me here. My kids are fantastic and wonderful, but sometimes they’re not. And when they’re not and I’m not around, it becomes a problem for the Nanny. Since we love the Nanny and don’t want her to leave us, I had to get creative, and I did, and I came up with what I thought was the worlds greatest solution ever for discipline when I’m not available to actually do it myself. Normally I would never recommend delayed discipline, mainly because it doesn’t work. Kids forget what they did and after a certain point you don’t care anymore, so delaying discipline past like 10 minutes is usually a completely ineffective method. Except, and here’s the genius part, except when it’s done through a third party, i.e. the Nanny. Here’s how it works, it’s so simple it really is brilliant, every time one of my kids chooses to disobey and not listen, the Nanny quietly goes over to a sheet on the fridge and puts a check by the child’s name. When I get home, I count the checks and the child gets five minutes in timeout for every check. Sounds good right? What could possibly go wrong with this simple plan? Enter oldest son. So I get home last night after my husband, and I am curious as to how the first day of my brilliant plan worked. “There’s one check by Sofie’s name, but Viktoria (nanny) didn’t put it there.” Confused, I asked, “Who put it there and why is there a check?” Sofie is normally very compliant so I was a little suspicious. “Max put a check by her name because she took his candy. Even though Viktoria settled the matter, Sofie still took candy after she was told not to and so Max put a check by her name.” Just lovely, six hours hasn’t passed and Max has already figured out how to get back at his sister. Why I did not see this one coming is beyond me. So now, instead of providing my Nanny with a very useful method of maintaining law and order, I have unknowingly given my kids a very useful tool for exacting revenge! I half expect my clever little sheet to be covered with crayon checks and frowny faces! I am torn, and most parents find themselves in this position frequently, on the one hand I can’t have my kids using the time out sheet for their own personal accounting of grievances, but on the other hand, I am kind of impressed with my oldest son’s cleverness and initiative. It’s a delicate balance sometimes between annoyance and admiration. I will probably end up with another time out sheet for false claims of abuse on the first time out sheet. This is how bureaucracies are born folks.
Nancy Pelosi is afraid… of Republicans. More specifically, Republicans who disagree. So to allay her fears and help others who might fear the same thing, I’ve done some very clever research (not really) and come up with a list of things Republicans do before they attack.
1. They show up to work, and then they actually do work. So if you see a Republican working, there is a really good chance he or she will probably attack you. So stay clear.
2. Their eyes roll into the back of their heads and they grow fangs and claws.
3. They show you pictures of your kids, but don’t be lulled into a false sense of security, this is just a trick to get you to put your hand out so they can bite it off. Keep your hands by your side at all times when around Republicans.
4. Right after you’ve accidentally tried to kill one, they won’t die because they’re Zombies. But then, after they don’t die, you need to run for your life because they will eat you.
5. They will proudly talk about their service in the military because they actually have served in the military, the bastards. Now when this happens, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. This is a definite sign they are about to go Red Dawn on you, jump you and try to rip off your rubber cause bracelet.
6. They will discuss issues in a calm and logical fashion. FISHCAKES!! Pure nonsense, never never never get sucked into a “calm and logical” debate with a Republican because just when you’re about to pull your hair out over how ridiculously reasonable all their stupid arguments are, they will attack and pull your hair out for you. Thoughtful do-gooders!
7. Republicans will agree to disagree with you! When you hear one of them say, “I appreciate this discussion and will leave it with agreeing to disagree,” or whatever dumb nice thing they might blather, quick jump under the nearest bush or table because they’re probably gonna stab you with a make shift shiv made from a bible bookmark. It may not kill you but it is no picnic being repeatedly accosted with the sharp end of that thin piece of plastic.
8. They turn into a large green hulking monster called The Greeny Meany and run around upending desks and hippy Vans.
9. They give more of their money to charities. Which again is simply a ploy to draw others into an argument about how the government should empower it’s people to be charitable givers and blah blah so on and so on, and then they jab you in the eye with pointy end the tiny American flag they have in their potted desk plant. I’ve seen it a million times.
10. They will remain friends with you despite your differences. Yeah, just after they get done explaining how much they appreciate all the different views you bring to the friendship they will knock you unconscious and use your body as a host for more of their alien kind.
I hope this list helps Nancy and her friends avoid a horrible fate. She should also watch the video When Republicans Attack Everyone Who Is Not Them, it has some good pointers on how to properly play dead and when to go fetal.
Amid almost a decade of global warming apocalyptic “we’re all gonna die when Al Gore says we are” pressure from every conceivable environmental group that stands to benefit from over reaching governmental regulations, celebrities have stepped in and saved the day, and the world, as it were. That’s right, celebrities are now going to put unbearable pressure on world leaders to enact climate change policy now, with a song. A really good song. Bed Are Burning by Midnight Oil.
Here’s the video of how cool the original song is..
I contend, that if on the off chance, the leaders of the world are miraculously moved to sweeping climate change reforms it’ll be because Beds Are Burning is a freakin’ awesome song, and not because a bunch of celebrities got together to wreck it. Also, if the globe does somehow mysteriously stop warming, it will be because the earth hates celebrity causes and wants them to stop ruining wicked good music and not because of silly climate change legislation.
Hat tip to redhorse for the following pic. Evidence of just how hostile and out of control wild cows are, take a look:
Scary I know. Keep kids clear of these beasts.
My oldest son, who is brilliant (which is how I describe all my children), was talking to my mother one night before bed, about camping. He was asking her if she could come with us on our camping trip. She said she’d have to see. Then he asked if she could buy him a shotgun. She asked, “Why do you need a shotgun?” Good question, I thought. “Because we might need to shoot some reindeer for food.” All deer are reindeer to my son. So my mother said some other stuff and then after some time went by he asked, “Where does steak come from?” “Cows,” was her reply. He thought about this, then said, “We might have to shoot some cows too.” My mother then explained that cows were owned by farmers and you couldn’t go on someone’s land shoot their cows. That you could only shoot wild animals that run around and people don’t own. So my son ponders this for about a second then replied, “Then we’ll have to find some wild cows to shoot.” There is no problem so great that a seven year old boy can’t find a solution. Like I said, brilliant.