How to Tell When a Republican Will Attack

Nancy Pelosi is afraid… of Republicans.  More specifically, Republicans who disagree.  So to allay her fears and help others who might fear the same thing,  I’ve done some very clever research (not really) and come up with a list of things Republicans do before they attack.

1.  They show up to work, and then they actually do work.  So if you see a Republican working, there is a really good chance he or she will probably attack you.  So stay clear.

2.  Their eyes roll into the back of their heads and they grow fangs and claws.

3. They show you pictures of your kids, but don’t be lulled into a false sense of security, this is just a trick to get you to put your hand out so they can bite it off.  Keep your hands by your side at all times when around Republicans.

4.  Right after you’ve accidentally tried to kill one, they won’t die because they’re Zombies.  But then, after they don’t die, you need to run for your life because they will eat you.

5.  They will proudly talk about their service in the military because they actually have served in the military, the bastards.  Now when this happens, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit.  This is a definite sign they are about to go Red Dawn on you,  jump you and try to rip off your rubber cause bracelet.

6.  They will discuss issues in a calm and logical fashion.  FISHCAKES!!  Pure nonsense, never never never get sucked into a “calm and logical” debate with a Republican because just when you’re about to pull your hair out over how ridiculously reasonable all their stupid arguments are, they will attack and pull your hair out for you.  Thoughtful do-gooders!

7. Republicans  will agree to disagree with you!  When you hear one of them say, “I appreciate this discussion and will leave it with agreeing to disagree,” or whatever dumb nice thing they might blather, quick jump under the nearest bush or table because they’re probably gonna stab you with a make shift shiv made from a bible bookmark.  It may not kill you but it is no picnic being repeatedly accosted with the sharp end of that thin piece of plastic.

8.  They turn into a large green hulking monster called The Greeny Meany and run around upending desks and hippy Vans.

9.  They give more of their money to charities.  Which again is simply a ploy to draw others into an argument about how the government should empower it’s people to be charitable givers and blah blah so on and so on, and then they jab you in the eye with pointy end the tiny American flag they have  in their potted desk plant.  I’ve seen it a million times.

10.  They will remain friends with you despite your differences.  Yeah, just after they get done explaining how much they appreciate all the different views you bring to the friendship they will knock you unconscious and  use your body as a host for more of their alien kind.

I hope this list helps Nancy and her friends avoid a horrible fate.  She should also watch the video When Republicans Attack Everyone Who Is Not Them, it has some good pointers on how to properly play dead and when to go fetal.


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