Things That Wouldn’t Happen if the Soviets Still Ran the Place….

The Russians have fallen to infighting over the most worthy of causes, the 20(something) Winter Olympic Mascot.  It’s all because officials can now have opinions about this kind of thing and not get shot.  Also, artists can now claim plagiarism and not get shot.  Now, I’m not advocating a return to the Soviet system, I’m not a commie, but if Gorbachev was still running things the mascots would be Hammer Boy and Sickle Girl riding on a crappy substandard Soviet Ballistic Missile aimed at the Evil United States of America, and everyone would be happy about it.  And then the U.S. would counter mascot with Reagan Riding one of our awesome Ground Based Interceptor just before it blows up Hammer Boy and Sickle Girl.  And then we would all convene in front of the TV to watch the ultimate in U.S./Soviet winter olympic rivalry, pairs figure skating.


Charlie Sheen’s War

Charlie Sheen recently declared war on CBS.  What does that even look like?  CBS has money, lawyers, NCIS and tons of time not creating shows I wouldn’t watch anyway to invest in winning this war.  Sheen on the other hand has porn stars, ex-wives, rooms at The Palms and an endless supply of liquor and implants to throw at Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn.  Here’s the other thing, Sheen is waging war from the Bahamas.  How does this not work out for him?  Even if he loses, which he will, he still has porn stars, the good stuff liquor, rooms at The Palms, he’s in the Bahamas and men all over the world still want to be him.

Things I’ve Learned From Watching The Godfather

At any given moment in this great nation The Godfather I and or II is playing on a Turner owned cable station.  When it’s in my cable viewing area, I am watching.  Not intentionally, it really just kind of happens.  It’s like a good weekend war movie. You probably have a bunch of other junk you need to do, but you’ll blow an entire afternoon watching The Great Escape for the 349th time because Steve McQueen is AWESOME…  Anyhow, every time I watch The Godfather movies I learn something. I’ve made a handy list you can print and take with you.

1.  All Italians are in the mob.  Except for maybe the Pope, but only when he’s not Italian.

2.  If your other two brothers are idiots, you will end up having to have one of them killed.

3.  Which brings me to my next point, don’t be Freddo.

4.  Try to always be driving the car.. better yet, public transit everywhere.

5.  If you have to ask, your husband probably does kill people for a living.

6.  When you know you’ve screwed the family, and you know they know you’ve screwed them, but they’re still really nice to you, you’re going to die.    Probably pretty soon too.

7.  You don’t go through Jersey marshes to get good cannoli.

8.  No matter how much protection your house in Tahoe has, your bedroom will still get all shot up.

9.  Kate will not understand you.

10. Stealing rugs from rich people is easy.

11. Never have a favorite pet, or horse… or anything with a head.

12. The mob has scholarship programs to law school… with a job placement for when you get out.

13. Don’t be the brother-in-law that got Sonny killed.  That ends badly for you.  Cuz Mikey will agree not to kill you, and then do it anyway.

And besides you killed James Caan!

14. There’s no such thing as a “random” run on mattresses.

and finally…

15.  Crying doesn’t help you get less killed.