I read this headline Drunk puppy buying banned at West Village pet stores and thought, “Why would someone get puppies drunk? Are they cuter? Do the Terriers mellow out and sell better? Why do that? Then I bothered to read the article. As it turns out the puppies are not, in fact, drunk. So crisis averted there. However, the people buying the puppies are, which is why at least two pet stores in the Village have banned selling puppies to people suspected of being under the influence. In the store owners defense, one lady brought a half dead Chihuahua back the next day with a stomach full of pills. I get it. Buying a dog while wasted is not a good plan. But it got me thinking, if I can’t buy a pet when I’m bombed what can I do? Are we really a nation of NO? I like to think not, so I have compiled a list of things people can do while drunk.
1. Express your inner artist all over your friends
2. Blend in with the homeless
3. Demonstrate proper way to put on a sandal
4. Fall out of a tree and make some new friends
5. Pretend to be British. And if you are British, pretend to be Australian, but it doesn’t really matter because we probably already thought you were. You all sound the same.
6. Text your friends stuff like this gem: everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
7. Call your grandmother and tell her it was you and not the kid next door who’s been stealing money from her change purse. Jerk.
8. Pass out on a carnival ride. 78% chance you will be mistaken for a Carney and given a paycheck.
9. Sit on a corner with a cup. People will fill it, sometimes with money.
10. Call an ex. They will love you for it.
11. Save your buddies from the fatal wounds of a firecracker by hurling your body on top of it.
12. Drink more.
13. Speak French.
15. Pass out on your apartment lawn with a stray cat on top of you to keep you warm.
16. Search for your less drunk friends who abandoned your obnoxious self.
17. Take a cab to someone else’s house because you forgot where you lived.
18. Register for classes. It’s super fun the next day when you’re sober.
19. Call your boss.
20. Go to an all you can eat Chinese Buffet and only eat egg rolls.
21. Find a foreigner and lie about visiting their country.
22. Throw pennies at pigeons until they crap on you. And they will.
23. Give your shoes to a complete stranger.. who didn’t ask for them.
24. Start a flash mob of one. Crowds will gather to watch you.
25. Sing American Pie to a stop sign.
26. Lie about going to Harvard and how much it sucked. Damn trust fund babies.
27. Try explaining String Theory. Who knows, it might make more sense.
28. Pay your roommates bills.
29. Feel guilty about being a gross slob and start exercising.
30. Try to shave a cat. You won’t get far.
31. Get a haircut.
32. Argue with an ATM and make your point by throwing the money back in it’s face.
33. Walk into a wall.
34. Find Waldo.
35. Tell people what you really think. Like the Airing of Grievances in Festivus.
36. In a moment of clarity, decide to be a better person. Ha!
37. Get into an argument with a Jehovah’s Witness.
38. Try to open a jar of pickles with a hammer.
39. Change a lightbulb using a hot dog bun.
40. Wax your eyebrows completely off.
41. Dye your hair, but only half.
42. Answer your closet door.
The list goes on. Fear not America, while you may not be able to buy puppies, there is still quite a bit you can do while drunk. Bottoms up!