So debates are nice and they show us a lot of important issue candidate stuff, but everything I need to know about who I want for president can be determined by answering one simple question. How would you kill the alien? Ridley Scotts alien, not the socialist collective hive minded organized cooperative James Cameron wussy alien, or that french directors film noire introspective intellectual thinking man’s alien, or whatever the hell that fourth mutated living nightmare was… No I’m talking about the “perfect organism” alien, that nobody could see and scared the snot out of everyone for decades to come. And what has this got to do with elections? EVERYTHING. How someone decides to kill the alien tells me all I need to know about how they will handle less import things like the economy or Iran. I’ve given it some thought and have come up with what I think are the answers. Having watched 15 minutes of the debates and read a Ron Paul bumper sticker I feel fully confident in making sweeping assumptions about how each candidate would respond.
Obama would campaign on a promise to end all conflicts with the alien and then get us in a war with the predator once he was president.
Romney would deflect attention away from his controversial xenomorphcare by suggesting the U.S. deal directly with the alien problem then magically overnight become the worlds biggest advocate for xeno death now that he’s no longer trying to get the alien-loving Massachussans to re-elect him. All the while pointing out that his Mormonism doesn’t have any impact on his ability to kill aliens.
Perry would make no apologies for subsidizing alien education and then lay out a way too simple plan to kill the alien while reconfirming his commitment to rejecting the idea he thinks Romney’s mormonism makes for bad alien killing.
Paul would let the alien have nuclear weapons and only defend the US against the alien after the face hugger has attached to his face.
Gingrich would humiliate the alien in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate and then blow it all to pieces.
Cain would probably blow the alien all to pieces as well, but we don’t know that because he so fumbled the answer people aren’t sure if the pro-alien allegations levied against him are true.
Huntsman in some sort of nebulous act of solidarity with New Hampshire would not answer the alien question.
Bachman would have a very strong anti-alien position, siting her strong record of being strong against aliens, and then end up like Lambert.
Santorum would have some good ideas about how to kill the alien but seriously he’s the first crew man to go.
So you can see by my most solicitous analysis Gingrich is the guy most likely to actually kill the alien, which is why the GOP will likely end up with Romney. Which means we may or may not all end up being hosts for aliens. Yeah I thought this blog post would end happier too.