Alien vs President

So debates are nice and they show us a lot of important issue candidate stuff, but everything I need to know about who I want for president can be determined by answering one simple question.  How would you kill the alien?  Ridley Scotts alien, not the socialist collective hive minded organized cooperative James Cameron wussy alien, or that french directors film noire introspective intellectual thinking man’s alien, or whatever the hell that fourth mutated living nightmare was…  No I’m talking about the “perfect organism” alien, that nobody could see and scared the snot out of everyone for decades to come.  And what has this got to do with elections? EVERYTHING.  How someone decides to kill the alien tells me all I need to know about how they will handle less import things like the economy or Iran.  I’ve given it some thought and have come up with what I think are the answers. Having watched 15 minutes of the debates and read a Ron Paul bumper sticker I feel fully confident in making sweeping assumptions about how each candidate would respond.

Obama would campaign on a promise to end all conflicts with the alien and then get us in a war with the predator once he was president.

Romney would deflect attention away from his controversial xenomorphcare by suggesting the U.S. deal directly with the alien problem then magically overnight become the worlds biggest advocate for xeno death now that he’s no longer trying to get the alien-loving Massachussans to re-elect him.  All the while pointing out that his Mormonism doesn’t have any impact on his ability to kill aliens.

Perry would make no apologies for subsidizing alien education and then lay out a way too simple plan to kill the alien while reconfirming his commitment to rejecting the idea he thinks Romney’s mormonism makes for bad alien killing.

Paul would let the alien have nuclear weapons and only defend the US against the alien after the face hugger has attached to his face.

Gingrich would humiliate the alien in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate and then blow it all to pieces.

Cain would probably blow the alien all to pieces as well, but we don’t know that because he so fumbled the answer people aren’t sure if the pro-alien allegations levied against him are true.

Huntsman in some sort of nebulous act of solidarity with New Hampshire would not answer the alien question.

Bachman would have a very strong anti-alien position, siting her strong record of being strong against aliens, and then end up like Lambert.

Santorum would have some good ideas about how to kill the alien but seriously he’s the first crew man to go.

So you can see by my most solicitous analysis Gingrich is the guy most likely to actually kill the alien, which is why the GOP will likely end up with Romney. Which means we may or may not all end up being hosts for aliens.  Yeah I thought this blog post would end happier too.


If I Can’t Buy a Puppy, Then What Can I Do When I’m Drunk?

I read this headline Drunk puppy buying banned at West Village pet stores and thought, “Why would someone get puppies drunk?  Are they cuter?  Do the Terriers mellow out and sell better?  Why do that?  Then I bothered to read the article.  As it turns out the puppies are not, in fact, drunk.  So crisis averted there.  However, the people buying the puppies are, which is why at least two pet stores in the Village have banned selling puppies to people suspected of being under the influence.  In the store owners defense, one lady brought a half dead Chihuahua back the next day with a stomach full of pills.  I get it.  Buying a dog while wasted is not a good plan.  But it got me thinking, if I can’t buy a pet when I’m bombed what can I do?  Are we really a nation of NO?  I like to think not, so I have compiled a list of things people can do while drunk.

1. Express your inner artist all over your friends

2. Blend in with the homeless

3. Demonstrate proper way to put on a sandal

4. Fall out of a tree and make some new friends

5. Pretend to be British. And if you are British,  pretend to be Australian, but  it doesn’t really matter because we probably already thought you were. You all sound the same.

6. Text your friends stuff like this gem: everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend

7. Call your grandmother and tell her it was you and not the kid next door who’s been stealing money from her change purse. Jerk.

8. Pass out on a carnival ride.  78% chance you will be mistaken for a Carney and given a paycheck.

9. Sit on a corner with a cup.  People will fill it, sometimes with money.

10. Call an ex.  They will love you for it.

11. Save your buddies from the fatal wounds of a firecracker by hurling your body on top of it.

12. Drink more.

13. Speak French.

14. Vomit.

15. Pass out on your apartment lawn with a stray cat on top of you to keep you warm.

16. Search for your less drunk friends who abandoned your obnoxious self.

17. Take a cab to someone else’s house because you forgot where you lived.

18. Register for classes. It’s super fun the next day when you’re sober.

19. Call your boss.

20. Go to an all you can eat Chinese Buffet and only eat egg rolls.

21. Find a foreigner and lie about visiting their country.

22. Throw pennies at pigeons until they crap on you.  And they will.

23. Give your shoes to a complete stranger.. who didn’t ask for them.

24. Start a flash mob of one. Crowds will gather to watch you.

25. Sing American Pie to a stop sign.

26. Lie about going to Harvard and how much it sucked. Damn trust fund babies.

27. Try explaining String Theory.  Who knows, it might make more sense.

28. Pay your roommates bills.

29. Feel guilty about being a gross slob and start exercising.

30. Try to shave a cat. You won’t get far.

31. Get a haircut.

32. Argue with an ATM and make your point by throwing the money back in it’s face.

33. Walk into a wall.

34. Find Waldo.

35. Tell people what you really think.  Like the Airing of Grievances in Festivus.

36. In a moment of clarity, decide to be a better person. Ha!

37. Get into an argument with a Jehovah’s Witness.

38. Try to open a jar of pickles with a hammer.

39. Change a lightbulb using a hot dog bun.

40. Wax your eyebrows completely off.

41. Dye your hair, but only half.

42. Answer your closet door.

The list goes on. Fear not America, while you may not be able to buy puppies, there is still quite a bit you can do while drunk.  Bottoms up!

Terrorist Bunnies

As if Bin Laden wasn’t disturbing enough, now we find out he was giving away bunnies.  A local neighbor boy, Zarar Ahmed, recently reported he’d visited the Bin Laden family at their home and was given two bunnies for his birthday.  Zarar expressed a lot of disappointment about the gift, “Worst. Gift. Ever.  I asked for Call of Duty 4.”  On a related note, the boy was very surprised when the bunnies blew up in his backyard the next day.

Jack Donaghy Talks to Congress, or so I thought.

My morning news troll uncovered an article about what I thought was Jack Donaghy’s recent Hill visit to share his views on why Obama is such a miserable failure.  FINALLY, Kabletown’s voice of reason has come back to DC to tell congress what’s what!  Only to find out it was just Alec Baldwin coming to plead Obama’s dumb stupid case before congress.  Total disappointment.  I guess Clinton wasn’t available.  Anyway this irked me, irked me greatly.  Nobody cares about what Alec Baldwin thinks.  We care what Jack Donaghy thinks.  Jack is smart, witty, cunning, charming, handsome, successful and an all around great guy.  Alec Baldwin is only two of those things also he didn’t say anything  super smart or wisdomy.  Which is probably why congress was so inspired.  He was speaking their language.  The really  sad thing about all this is in a battle of anything,  Jack Donaghy would have Baldwin for a mid-morning snack.  I mean just read what Baldwin said…

“…this is just my opinion, when you want to put your mark on things, you want to be able to spend. And what’s crippled Obama’s administration, as far as I’m concerned, is the financial crisis and it’s prevented him from doing any new spending,” said Baldwin, who publicly supported Obama in the 2008 Presidential election.

Well DUH!  Also new spending is a stupid idea unless it’s for better ways to kill terrorists.

Donaghy would never have said that because he is awesome.  Let’s do a little comparison shall we?  Awesome Jack Donaghy-isms v. Baldwin.


“Yes my daughter is Canadien-American, but I’m going to treat her just like a human baby.”

“Who thinks that gesturing with one’s thumbs is for poor people, and is going to be the next CEO of Kabletown? This guy!”

“It was our highest rating since that episode of SVU when the detectives watched American Idol.”

“I can get you into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny, and then you eat the bunny.”


“Those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter.”


“In my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon’s death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.”


“Everybody settles.  At one point my obituary was going to read “CEO Of GE Dies Violently In Casino Orgy.” Now what’s it going to say, “Middle Manager Of A Philadelphia Porn Distributor Never Wakes Up?”


“What keeps people polite on airplanes? A shared hatred for the CBS sitcoms they’re forced to watch.”


“Our health costs are down because we started putting something in the coffee to stop the women from getting pregnant.”



“Cheney is a terrorist. He terrorizes our enemies abroad and innocent citizens here at home indiscriminately”


“Down with Dukes of Hazzard!”


“Actors are treated like suppositories that are inserted into cavities of the movie-going public.”


“I’ve got my groove back!”


Absolutely disregarding the fact that I cherry picked the worst quotes, he’s lousy.  Awful.  These quotes stink.  There should be a bill before congress legislating that Alec Baldwin only be allowed to speak in a public forum if he does it as Jack Donaghy.


Awesome Idea…

The other day while I was organizing my thoughts, flicking food off my shirt and singing show tunes I was suddenly interrupted when the car in front of me stopped out of no where.  So annoying.  But it got me thinking.  If I had hit this Honda car, it would have crumpled like a something that crumples real easy.  It’s made to just give up and die in a car wreck.  Honda calls it’s cars crumpliness energy absorption.  I’m sure it’s saved lives so I won’t argue it.  However, it’s “energy absorption” would cost me a lot of money to fix.  And since I have better things to do while I’m driving than watch the road, I came up with a plan.  Cars should be made out of memory foam.  Let it sink in.  Memory foam is light weight, comfortable, you will never again spill your wine while driving, and you can hit all the cars you want without a scratch or injury.  Never again will you have to pay that much attention to driving.  Hit a deer, no problem, wait a few minutes and the deer shaped indentation will pop right out.  Neighborhood kids literally bounce off.  They’ll line up to get hit by your car.  It’s space age technology designed by aliens,  stolen by NASA and made to be super absorptive (10 points for super made up word).  There are almost no downsides to this idea except you can’t drive over 10 mph, car washes are tricky, and it will cause sleepiness.

3 Mile Island Vigil

To mark the solemn occasion of the 32 years since the 3 Mile Island nuclear power plant didn’t kill anyone, 30 or so people gathered to hold up signs to remind all of us that nuclear energy is really bad.  So to try and better understand why people hate nuclear energy so much, I have recreated an exchange between a vigil person and a reasonable human being.

Reasonable human being: Why are you holding a vigil?

Vigil person: Because we want people to never forget nuclear energy kills and destroys everything.

Reasonable human being: So how many people have died because of the 3 Mile Island thingy?

Vigil person:  YOU’RE A RACIST PUPPY HATER!!!!!!

I for one am happy to have the vigilators out there holding their signs that remind us no one has ever died as a result of 3 Mile Islands partial meltdown.  Keep up the good work vigil people!